Sunday, December 26th
William came into our room tonight in tears because of a thought that terrified him, but that he couldn’t get out of his mind. A thought that plagues him often. It just so happens that Jacob is terrified of the same thought, and has been since Jacob was William’s age.
We listened to William, Jacob gave him a blessing, we cried together, and then we watched funny clips on my phone until the thought was far away.
It’s so hard to watch your child suffer, especially when you know what they’re going through and are helpless to fix it.
We’re so grateful for a Savior that knows what each of us have to go through and is able help us and give us strength to carry on. ❤️
Monday, December 27th
By far the best part of today, and maybe all of Christmas, was our taste of Canada. We decided a few months ago that for part of Christmas we would plan a family trip in June to Canada. Three of our very favorite people live in Canada: my Uncle Garth, Aunt Lavaun, and cousin Tyler. I loved visiting them as a child and always dreamed of taking my own family to Canada one day.
To get the kids more excited about the trip, we asked my Aunt and Uncle to bring some treats and snacks that are only in Canada on their last visit to Utah. We gave the kids each a small bucket filled with the snacks, but first we put part of each on a plate to have a little taste test.
As a way of remembering, of course we all loved the sweets: Smarties, Wonderbar, Caramilk, Wagon Wheels, Old Dutch Popcorn Twists, and Maple Creme Sandwich Cookies. Most of us liked Shreddies, agreeing the honey nut kind was best, but only a few of us liked the Ketchup flavored chips. Spencer loves anything with ketchup!
Everyone loved trying all the food and now we’re all more excited to go once school is out! 🙌🏼🥳
Wednesday, December 29th
I danced this morning in the kitchen. I closed my eyes and let my body move to the music freely. This is a good sign for my mental health. That’s how I knew I was coming out of survival mode after having a baby, when I would start to sing and dance while doing chores. Usually my kids tell me to stop, but today some joined me and I felt joy and contentment.
And then like a switch was flipped, the depression came rearing back. I sat in it for a while, and then fought it while trying to make dinner and play games with the kids. Eventually I started feeling better as bedtime came nearer, which I feel grateful for.
I remember writing about appreciating the good moments with Jacob because we didn’t know when his depression/anxiety would hit. It’s weird having depression now and trying to make sense of my drastic switch in emotions: what did I do to make it change!?
But the answer for me is the same that I knew to be true with Jacob, there is no making sense of poor mental health. It doesn’t play by regular rules, it shows up when it wants and demands you pay attention. There’s no logical thinking involved.
And that is why I’m so grateful for glimpses of normalcy. For moments that feel easy, happy, and create joy. These moments don’t happen often, but what happened this morning in the kitchen I’ll hold in my heart to get through the harder times.
Thursday, December 30th
Not going to lie, kind of felt like a super hero today putting away Christmas. It was only in my to do list for the last 5 days! AND Jacob and I delivered some Christmas presents that are only 2 weeks late! 🥴😄
But seriously how cute is Ryan who made a superhero mask for himself and his Bwolfie (Bear Wolfie)! 😍
Friday, December 31st
I spent a bit of time looking back on my Instagram and remembering how our year went. What was important and what lessons I learned. I also realized I never posted this picture! I was saving it for a good time, and today sounds like a great time! I love it so much.
I don’t have the best memory, which is why this is such a great way for me to journal, so as I was thinking about this past year I kind of came up blank. I know I’ve grown a lot emotionally and mentally, but how? In what ways? It’s hard to put it all into a list, but I’ll give it a try.
One lesson I learned this year is the power of small actions that create big changes over time. I’ll make a small tweak here and there, and I don’t realize the impact it made until much later. And often by then I can’t remember what I did!
I learned that how I talk about myself effects me in ways unseen. I realized because I said “I’m sorry” for way too many things, that I thought of myself as a failure because I kept telling myself and others that I messed up. Please note I’m ok with messing up and learning from failure, but apologizing for sort of, kind of, maybe inconveniencing someone is not helpful to anyone!
I learned, the hard way, I always put others first, which is good sometimes. But I realized that I was putting others emotions before my own, because they were more important than mine. Once I said it out loud I knew it was false, but it was a narrative I subconsciously told myself. I’m now getting better at vocalizing my needs or even when something is making me uncomfortable for any reason.
And I learned that life is hard. But hard and happy can coexist. Life can be messy and not what I expected, AND it can be beautiful and bring me great joy. I’m still trying to figure out how to implement this truth into my life.
This next year my goal is to gain. I want to gain strength in my body, gain wisdom in fueling my body properly, and gain confidence in who I truly am and what I have to offer. If these self care actions become automatic, they are so routine that I don’t have to think about them, then I’ll have a better ability to help people around me. Because helping people brings me so much joy!
Saturday, January 1st, 2022
Best way to start the new year!?
Make smoothies and muddy buddy’s for breakfast, I mean it’s just cereal with extra goodness on it, and eat it while snuggling and watching a movie with my kids. It may need to be a tradition from now on!
Today was filled with playing games, playing with grandparents, playing the Wii, watching movies, going for a walk, and just being all together. I loved it!
*I’m aware that sounds dreamy, which it was great, but the day was also filled with crying, screaming, hitting, complaining, whining…
But the overall feeling was good, and that’s what I’m going to take away from it.